just when you thought you could get a normal amount of sleep.

kind of pissed off at the ole subconscious right now for showing me some things i really did not need to see in a dream. woke up and it took me about 20 minutes to get up the nerve to sit upright.

also, before i had completely woken up i had already taken melatonin... which i had already taken to fall asleep the first time so we'll see how that works out.

finally, i have this inexplicable, painful case of hiccups.

lovecraft

Lovecraft spent a short while living in NYC, thinking that it would be an inspirational atmosphere and one in which he could focus on his artistic endeavors. He turned out to be dead wrong--he found the place depressing, lonely, oppressive, and "dead," and he was miserable until he returned to his native Providence, RI.



If there is one thing I have learned at school it is that I am not cut out for city life.





Edit: Also, Lovecraft always seems to name the cats in his stories some variation of the word "nigger" for whatever reason. This is not something I share with him.

uh oh.

sometimes, once in a long while, i have a time like this. i cannot form a coherent thought and what i do have are a million little worries fluttering around and glancing occasionnally off my consciousness. like standing in a cave full of bats that have just been startled. so it's not that i am cohesively upset about any one thing in particular, more that every insecurity my subconscious has to offer is suddenly sprouting up out of nowhere to say hello and I can barely keep track of them all.

the net result of this is that trying to sleep, as i have been trying to do since about 2 (12:30 if you count the first failed attempt) is failing miserably.

usually when this happens it pretty much keeps going and there's really no way to stop it untili just pass out from exhaustion. which doesn't look likely to happen soon.

i might just not sleep tonight.

insomnia, yet again.

I always find myself coming back to Radiohead's "How To Disappear Completely." I do not hear the words. I hear the guitar, and I hear a voice.

I hear the glides and swirls that lay in the background. I tend to think that they are whale calls.

The bass line, however, is what brings me back. I hear the bass line calmly musing behind the rest, and it's sort of paternal in a way. A steadfast prescence, not overbearing, but rooted firmly.

ugh.

This is definitely one of those days.

I've spent practically the whole time only half-awake, with my mind constantly being drawn back to things I've done that were exceedingly stupid, or things in the future that are terrifying, or ways in which the world will cease to exist, or any other thing that is capable of sticking in my head and keeping me from being whatsoever productive.

Not really sure how to get out of this.

Uh-oh... another one of those drastic shifts.

Never thought before about how awesome it would be to be a professional songwriter.

brainstorming...

Seriously? I mean, really?!

Worst. Idea. Ever.

statistics

there is no reason why i should sit down to work on stats homework at 10 pm WITH someone else working with me and not finish until 3 am.

there is, however, a reason why i'm still up and updating this blog:

red bull.

worst.

Crazy idea...

Have always wanted to live in a situation with a relatively large number of similarly-minded people in a freer sort of circumstance than is usually afforded by modern America (land of handshakes and "personal space"). Came closer than I had previously experienced last year with the F.A.M.E. floor, but it's really not quite there yet.

Imagine a 3-story building, in, say, South Boston. The first floor is one large room, nearly empty. The second and third seem like living areas--there are bedrooms and bathrooms and a kitchen, maybe two. There could be more than 3 stories; there could only be two.

The only remarkable thing about this hypothetical building, really, is what it enables its inhabitants to do. I imagine the bottom floor of this building to be a venue for the arts. I mean an art gallery and a concert hall, and a dramatic theater, and a projection hall. (I am thinking, to some extent, of SPACE gallery when picturing this). The residents of the building have a job: Run this space. It would, if carefully managed, pay for the whole building pretty easily, and could provide for its inhabitants just as any other job.

Imagine the room for creativity afforded to the people running this place. I don't know of any more positive atmosphere for artistic growth. Great things could be accomplished by these people. The photographers and painters and musicians and actors and directors and writers could all work in tandem--imagine the sorts of creations made possible by this situation. In addition to the events held downstairs, there could be magazines published, film distributed, sound recorded... the possibility for expression is limitless, and God knows the audience would be there. This would be the sort of thing that would be hailed by all as a Great Independent Art Center, and would actually manage to connect with people of all types.

I don't know if it is ever likely to happen. But it's something I really and honestly long for. Who knows?

and i'm allergic, too

the air in this city is incredibly shitty whenever it happens to rain. cigarettes and exhaust and fumes and grit and smog and industry and disease all stick to the water living in the air, dragging it down and making it something much less vital.

unfortunately, the rain is my favorite weather.


anyway,

into new realms!

clarification

Have you ever wondered why the protagonist of "A Clockwork Orange" is so focussed on Beethoven?



Basically, Beethoven was the first to really bring his own human passion to the music, imbuing it with his personal emotions. And he did it pretty damn powerfully. I mean he did the shit out of it.

While I'm at it, here's some Dvorak--one of my all-time favorite pieces of music:

most addicting song...

relabeled appropriately.

If you've ever seen the Nicholas Cage remake of the classic horror/suspense film "the Wicker Man," you will understand what I mean when I say that this is a much, much, much more accurate trailer.

If you haven't, you should. Just so that you understand the true meaning of failure in film.

theory homework break

I think this just about sums it up.

Whoa.

About 100 views on the facebook page from 4pm-midnight yesterday.

Damn.

The album is coming together great so far.